Lost in nowhere

I'm just terribly lost.

Lost in thoughts, in future plans and teenage feelings.

I don't want to feel so old any more. I want these mumblings in my head to stop. Just stop.

I want to stop thinking. I want to paralyze my mind for a while.

I want these insecurities to fuck off and leave me alone with whatever I've got. Just get lost. I'm already a mess and I don't want to feel WORSE about my pathetic self.

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I don't know why I always feel bad about my self. And sometimes, those thoughts don't even match.

Like once in a while, I would see my self as an idiot who knows nothing about life, like a sailor in the dark without his lighthouse in sight.

Like it's so often that I feel I'm an arrogant biatch who always says the wrong thing at the wrong time. Someone who always act as if she is superior among others. Someone who can't even keep even ONE friend beside her. Just plain pathetic.

Like always, I am so desperate for a hand to hold, but too wary to give mine to anyone. It's my dilemma. It has always been.

I want to be carefree. I want to be able to decide my life. I want to escape from the mess of my own mind.

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Thinking about the future is just too hard these days.

What will I do? What would I become?

I don't even know what I like, what I want to do. I can't just hopping around with all these internships without any stable stay.

Who would I meet? Who should I keep?

How many people have I let go? How many of them tried so hard to be with me, then give up because it's not worth it? Because I'm not worth it?

Yet, if I could turn back time, I still would not keep them by my side. I'm just bitchy and reserved that way. I just don't like spending time with them.

Sometimes I regret those choices. Maybe I should have kept some of them. But sometimes, I confused and unsure if those are really bad or not.

I am trying to keep some of them now anyways.

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So many things are still undone. So many risks are on the line. So many problems to think about.

Yet I just want to be lazy and freeze my brain.

Fuck these insecurities. Fuck fuck fuck.

7.10.2014

Ai cũng có lúc thích cái này, đòi cái nọ, muốn những cái không hẳn là cần.


Trải qua nhiều chuyện, chứng kiến nhiều cảnh, rồi cũng sẽ tới lúc tự nhủ "À, thế này đã là may mắn lắm rồi, có bao nhiêu thì phải biết trân trọng bấy nhiêu, đừng để đến lúc mất mới biết hối hận."


Dần dà, bao đòi hỏi cũng chỉ cất đi để đó. Dễ thỏa mãn, thoải mái, dễ chịu không phiền phức, nghe riết cũng thành quen, ghi vô đầu vô lòng riết cũng thành mình.


Bỗng thấy mọi thứ cứ trôi tuột đi đâu hết, luồn lách rơi khỏi kẽ tay. Mà bản thân cũng trôi tuột đi đâu mất.