The ones you love the most often leave the worst wounds
because your heart is opened too easily and widely
to each of their actions and words.
Your heart will lose a shard
whenever the other gets mad,
and it will lose a piece
when a promise is forgotten.
Sometimes when the other doesn't care,
it feels like free falling.
---
Today I cried twice,
one in the morning, in the tiny bathroom spot,
and one at night, on my cozy sheets.
One for a heart-felt touch of words, of a friend,
one for simply pain, of yours.
Today I laughed my guts out,
spent time with people,
I mean, I really tried.
But going home, seeing your neglection,
seeing how you didn't care,
messed things up again,
like nothing good ever happened.
With mood swings like this,
I don't know how much longer I can carry on.
Heck,
I don't even know WHY I am trying to.
There's no point, anyway.
---
I know that you know, I am sad,
and I know it bothers you too, my sadness.
You don't want to hurt me, perhaps,
but right know I just don't want to let you in.
I felt like I have let you in enough,
but I also know that "that enough" is no where close enough.
So where are we?
---
It is morning, and I cried again, over that nonsense feeling, that silly wound.
Maybe it's because I am too vulnerable, and such a small thing can break me like this.
It's so silly that I'm getting mad at myself.
It was you yourself, jumping up and down, saying it's OUR cafe. Telling me not to bring people in.
I truly felt guilty y'know? Letting the girls know the cafe's name, and felt lucky that we haven't got enough time to get there that day. And tried to say sorry and make it up to you and everything else.
But then you led someone there.
Just merely a week after you told me not to.
And you said your friend is different.
.
It's not like I'm guarding the place like a security dog.
It's one of my favourites now too, and I also want them to be known more, and have more customers,
so your friend is not the problem.
But your words shove their blades in a different wound.
It reminds me of the feeling that you hardly ever TRUST me,
or my judgements,
my friends.
It's just too painful,
the feeling of distrust.
I tried to ignore it in our arguements,
our plan-making for trips,
or opinion disagreements.
I tried to let them go.
But they always come back as a full pack,
and hit me harder time after time.
---
So much of my cover have I ripped off in front of you,
like a cat showing its belly,
but I still can't give up the final ones,
the ones for pain and scars,
the ones of my confusion, overly-sensitivity, loss and joy.
Yes, joy.
Whenever you were close to them, my spikes come up and shove you away.
And as I'm writing this, I realized,
I do not trust you fully either,
or anyone else.
All my life, my tears were saved mostly for myself.
Some few times, I cried in front of others.
but most of them, I have only been keeping for my own space.
They are my last covers,
and please don't make me feel LUCKY,
for NOT taking them off in front of you,
because the moment that thought comes,
I'm afraid some things are quite over.
---
So much thought for a broken unofficial promise,
that maybe I'm the only one to think it was made.
Maybe, right from the beginning,
there was none at all.
It was just you, annoyed at me and my friends,
and I foolishly thought it was more.
It was I, who expected the non-existing stuffs,
and felt hurt when the illusion broke.
It was my mistake, after all.
And maybe I deserved to be crying over it,
blaming you for all the things you didn't know, you didn't do on purpose.
It's just my own neverending circle,
ending the nights,
and starting the days.
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