22.03.2020

Things ALWAYS start going downhill when you stop caring and sharing.

Things go wrong, not only when I say Let's break up,

or, Can we just stop for a while?

Things go wrong when I stop telling you that I feel tired today,

or happy,

or anxious of another change.

Things go wrong when I don't even care to tell you that my period sucks,

my tears were rolling,

or my mom's words hurt.

Things go wrong when I don't bother to share,

because I think you will not even try to understand,

or even worse, you only take the news YOUR way.

It was never your problem to take.

It was ME, your only directly associated problem.

But your mind is always about something else.

Something bigger than me, I guess. Something more philosophical, more complicated, more serious.

When all I needed was a hug or a kiss or just even a teeny tiny bit of comfort,

so I can feel less alone.

But no.

Whenever I shared, I feel even more lonely, more misunderstood.

I tried to explain, I tried to make you understand, I tried to say what I need, I tried to UNDERSTAND, too.

Never have I tried this hard to open up to anyone. I love you to the point of BREAKING myself open,

just to ask for some love,

some emotional help, so I can carry on with all the mess

but no

I felt being left alone

again

and again

and to the point

I felt empty

numb

scattered

scared to shit

and I just

closed.

Maybe they're just mood swings.

Maybe I can somehow find faith in you tomorrow.

Maybe that's what I was trying to tell myself all those nights.

All of my sensitivity, my tears, my weakness,

I'm trying to speak out, one by one.

I'm really trying.

Maybe, 

I will try to the point,

when I break and can't try anymore.

Then

may I will stop with peace.

Peace with myself, knowing I have tried enough,

knowing all the pains are used,

all the limits were tested,

and I'm simply better off alone,

taking pride that no one can handle me,

and keep my way straight.

---

Maybe I will be braver tomorrow,

maybe he will change,

maybe things will get better,

and less desperate as I amq

Maybe I will change my mind, my heart,

and leave you sooner.

Maybe I will give you one last shot,

and stay one day more. 

Maybe our future will get better,

or maybe they won't.

Maybe I will cry less tomorrow,

but right now I don't.

---

At the end of the day,

what can you do, when all you can feel is

hollow

And you will cry yourself to sleep,

one more day.