The feelings came right after I stop being silent. I'm always silent when in pain.
When I texted the first message after the silence, the longing came back.
Missed the way he looked at me, like I've always wished for since the first romance comi. Missed his nice shampoo smell. Missed the way he tried to make me smile. Missed the way he hugs me tightly from the back. Missed the way he held out his hand for me to hold. Missed the way he nuzzled my neck and kissed my hair.
After the pain and the bitter and the hatred have faded, I started missing things so badly. Him and so many other good people, good things, good memories.
Missed the way my old "crusher" (?) looked at me as if I'm beautiful. The way I feel safe with my besties, like I was numb when walking among others, but when I reached them, a safe and happy bubble wrapped me up. The way my brother and I were dancing to Just Dance as kids, laughing our guts out while our parents were watching from the next floor, filming us with their happiest laugh. The way I used to be amazed about almost anything. The way my ex comforted me when I cried in front of him for the first, and also the last time. The way I felt hugged with smiles from friends and family. The way I felt happy from the inside out while riding between the mountains in the clouds.
Sometimes I can't handle my sensitivity. I cried too much and beat myself too often. I numb myself when my gift became a weapon and hurt me so bad.
But there are some days like this.
When I'm lying on bed, missing good things, sometimes with a little bit of crying, but mostly with gratefulness for all my luck and experience.
There are days when I'm still proud of my life. Days like this.
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