If I can't talk to you, and you have things that you don't want to talk with me, so how are we gonna go forward?
Really, how? Or someday I must raise this question to you. Will it be the day that things break?
I don't know any more. I'm just frustrated and confused and mad at myself.
I am stubborn, and so are you. Can this work? Or we should just, you know, stop?
I am writing to think. To clear my mind. So I can get back to work. I have so many feelings inside of me now. I need my zen mode. I need to get them out, solve them, deal with them.
Some days, the anxiousness is just too much to repress. I can't hold them in. They scream and they groan and they insist to be let out.
So be it.
I just want to rearrange my mind in the most gentle way possible. To cause the least damage that I can.
I really want to go somewhere, have a stop. I want everything to stop, and let me breathe for just a while. I promise it will be a short while only.
I want to hide, but even myself knew it is not "sensible" in every way. So I don't. And I trapped myself. I don't feel trapped, I feel it's the right thing to do. It's just that I'm too weak for it.
I'm too weak at work, I'm too weak in love, I'm too weak at life. But that's simply just who I am - I cannot change this fact. I cannot lie to myself that I'm stronger than this, because actually I don't.
I have learned to be honest with myself, so I can arrange the breaks it needed. So I won't have to reach the breaking point. Because I don't trust anyone to be able to hold me then. They can just mourn when it is done. And it's not their fault.
We are the only ones who can control what to feel and what to remember. What values to hold and what sins to forgive. I don't believe in any higher power that can provide help, because everything comes with a price. Help from anywhere will incur a favor waiting to be returned. For the higher powers, it would be my belief, no matter big or small. I'm just stubborn that way, and won't give my freedom of mind to anyone. It's not that I look down on them - I look at them with normal eyes and consider them as just a creature of the universe. Maybe some higher forms, but not someone I would trust completely.
Because in the end, my mind is the only thing I can protect with full power. As long as it depends on any one or any thing, it would just get more and more vulnerable when standing alone. The mind of a group is strong, but if separated, it will be weaker than the independent ones. What if one day, the target of the group and yourself is no longer aligned?
I keep that in mind, and there is nothing in the world that I want to protect more than my mind. It's the only thing I truly have.
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Turning to another spike in my mind.
How am I gonna affirm that I have gotten through the pain, have moved on, have forgiven all the sins, while I still cannot bear to read any articles relating to fatherhood?
I even give away my favourite picture book of my favourite artist to my student, just because I longer feel its relevance. Even when I should have felt it - he actually used to love us. It's just that he only loves things when they are young and small. He cannot grow with the world, so he went back against the tide, and look for the water from the source of the waterfall.
He spent his life climbing down from the mountain, then refused the nutrition and growth and changes he has been through, so he can go back just a little bit, taste a little of the purer stream, and roll down the mountain with it again. Will it repeat, the reroll? No one knows. Maybe he doesn't know either. Someday when he no longer has the strength to go back, he will end up stuck forever on the mountain, never reaching the valley, never have his chance to explore the rest of the world.
I dearly hope he finds his value in the process, that his effort of rerolling means something. I dearly hope he finds his happiness, as I cannot worry about him any more. I simply cannot handle it, I am already overloaded with my life - the life without him, and the challenges I have to face ahead with all I have.
But still, the pain stays raw, and I guess it will stay that way for a couple of years more.
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I have to calm down and convince myself that not everyone this THAT hurry. Life is not that hustling. I don't have to run so fast, to change so fast, to rush for things that are not really important in the end.
I have to work on my relationship. I have to repair my soul. I have to spend more time with Mom and heal her toxic pains. I have to sit down and breathe. Work and studies don't matter that much, and so is money. Hell, I have been chasing money for so long and so blind that I lost my cause.
After all this is said, I will concentrate at work, and go home early today. One step at a time.
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