07.02.2017

I have been waiting for him to say that he loves me. Looking at my eyes, while I'm wide awake.

But he didn't. He never did.

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I'm just not sure how much longer I can wait. How far can I endure this sadness. How long it's gonna be before I shut down everything and just simply forget.

I don't want to forget.

Not right now.

It has been too sweet to be let go.

Bittersweet,
to be honest.

But the sweet part is enough to hold me back.

I want to hug him. I want to share my secrets. I want to be smiling with him and be appreciated by him.

But I also know,
that nothing will come out as I want and expected.

Nothing is gonna be like my dreams. Even when it's theoretically accurate.

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I wanna hold his hands - which we kinda did. I want to kiss - which we did too. I want to snuggle into his warmth and forget about the world.

This one, I haven't had the guts to do yet.

It would mean taking down every single armor I have left. Every shield, every layer - just like what I did to the last lover, and got nothing back but pain and loneliness.

I am too freaked out to ever do that again. With a person who is too much alike the previous one. With a situation where I can predict almost every detail, because I've already been through it.

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I'm too scared to love you.

But I already did.

And you love me back.

But you left me alone again, with my fights, after everything I've told you about my struggles.

So how is it love?

How is it the love I want?

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I love you, but I don't want to.

And that's why I can't get out of my sadness.

Because I'm still loving you. And it saddens me just too much.

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Maybe you're the same.

You love me. But not my burden.

You can challenge your burden, but you're scared about facing another one.


Mine.

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I don't know for sure,
but I think if you are brave enough to step up now,
stupid enough to face all odds,
love me enough to stop caring about life and everything else,
maybe, just maybe, I will leave my world behind too,

and take your hand.

Because it is you whom I love. After such a long time.

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But you took a step backwards.

One step. Two steps.

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Out of sight.

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And they're killing me. Your steps backwards.

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But I understand. I embrace the pain with ease.

It's simply just a choice. You made yours.

Maybe I will wait a little bit longer to make mine.

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I just wish I am stronger to love you. I wish we met earlier and faced this dilemma sooner.

So no one would have come between us. Before you.

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Miss you already.