22.02.2017

After this incident with my roller-coaster ride of feels,
I learned one thing,

one
important
thing,

that it does not take a lot of time to fall in love.

It's unexpected, and sometimes only take a blink's time.

It's so fast that you have to wonder if it's real.

Like, "Have I really fallen in love? Or this is just a big crush?"


But, to one point, after much thinking and struggling,
you realized it's much more than a crush.

Then, you get mad at yourself for being so soft.

Why the heck could I basically fall in love so recklessly, foolishly and quickly?

Am I that easy?

Am I that craving for companion?


I have always thought that I'm the type that would find it hard to fall for anyone.

I would have to learn everything about them, falling for them by small and heart-warming gestures and virtues.

I would take a lot of time choosing and considering, building trust step by step.



But no,
reality hit me hard on this one.


Countless times did I ask myself,
do I love him? Like, in the true sense of love? The love of a lifetime that people have always been talking about?

Or it's just all about physical attraction and my stupid hormones.


I'm still asking myself that.

Why do I dramatize things so hard this time?

Why does it hurt more, so much more, this time?


I don't know.

Maybe this is not love.

Something else, still very powerful, but not love.


But something keeps convincing me that it is. That I have really fallen in love without any self-control, nor any shield and protection.

It's still too fast for me to take in.

And the person is also not any good for me to fall into.


Now I'm determined that I'm not gonna be with him. But I think I need to be with someone, at least for a while, or I'll go crazy.

People are still allowed to go for a non-serious relationship, right?

It's only me who put too much burden on a relationship. I have not learnt how to take risks and give myself to someone who I have not yet believed that will stick with me till the end.


I don't want my secret boxes going around, shouting their lungs out for other people to hear. Some of them could be nasty to my secrets.

I cannot give out my trust like that.

I don't know if I should learn to do so.


But still,
I hold no grudge against having sex before marriage.

But I dearly want that, my first time have to belong to someone with love. Someone I love and loves me back.

I would still be OK if he leaves me someday.

At least at that time, that stage, he respects me and my body. He want us to be happy and loved. And I love him back too.

That's perfect enough for my first time,
if I can ever find that person.

I don't want to give my first time to some fackboy I date for fun. No.

So it's really important for me to fall in love first, before I can do that.

Then maybe I will seduce him hard enough to be with me, haha. And I shouldn't wait too long, since it would be very likely that he will lose his respect and interest soon enough.


---

This should be enough for the love talk session today.

I really hope that next time,I could fall for someone better. Of course, with more time. Not within just a blink like this.

Let's try to make it quick, since I really want to forget my current "love" already.

Please, my future pet, find me fast.